Why is my child aggressive

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Why is my child aggressive? – Understanding the causes of aggression

Contrary to popular belief, aggressiveness is not an innate character trait. It is rather an inherent behavior which can appear in certain situations or events that are considered dangerous by our brain. This is sometimes essential for survival, and it certainly was for our stone age ancestors.

Every aggressive behavior has a reason, which is informed by our brain’s assessment of a situation. This individually perceived border transgression is responsible for a person’s aggressive behavior. The most obvious trigger for violence is physical pain. A person who is punched will most likely punch back. However, psychological pain, such as social marginalization, injustice or contempt, is processed in the same areas of the brain as physical pain and thus is considered a reason for aggression as well. The threshold of when a border transgression is deemed to occur is highly individual. A wrong glance may suffice for one child to snap whereas another one will only respond violently if pushed and punched by others.

Aggression as a reaction to a border transgression does not necessarily have to target the transgressor who crossed the line. If a child is humiliated by an older student, the aggressive reaction of the child will probably not be directed against the aggressor who is presumably stronger, but perhaps against that student’s younger and weaker brother. Aggressiveness can also appear at a later point in time, such that no connection with the original border transgression can be established. Thus, aggressive behavior can be encountered simply out of nothing, and we have the impression that the child is “simply like that” for no obvious reasons, aggressive against himself or other children.
Thus, aggressive behavior is always to be understood as a kind of an appeal. It is well worth to take a closer look, particularly with children who frequently exhibit aggressive behavior. Which lines are constantly being crossed? By whom? How are the boundaries violated? How can I support the child who experienced the border transgression? How could the child deal differently with his aggression?

An important task of education is to provide the children with a way to deal with aggressive feelings. We are in no way hostage to our brain and have the ability to respond to border transgressions in other ways than violence. Human beings are able to reflect on their actions and consequences, and therefore can determine if their reaction is socially compatible. To instill this in our children is one of our fundamental challenges as parents. Violent videos and games where children see violence as a way to succeed are counterproductive from an educational perspective, as children learn many things by imitation. They experience violence as a way forward in numerous games and could possibly transfer this attitude into their real, daily lives. For this reason, parents must be vigilant about the games their children play, as well as the videos they watch.