Nonviolent communication

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Nonviolent communication

What can I do? – Tips for dealing with aggressive behavior

Here you find advice how to discuss with your child by following the principle of “Nonviolent communication“ by Marshall B. Rosenberg. (For further information, click here)

The basic assumption in Rosenberg’s 4-step model is that behind every human action, there are certain feelings and needs. Behind every aggressive action is a border transgression. These, and the feelings and needs associated with them, can be uncovered through compassionate communication. Peaceful ways of conflict resolution and satisfaction of needs can now be found through dialog. In what follows, here are the 4 steps toward a dialog in the sense of non-violent communication:

1. Observations
   Initially, try to describe precisely what kinds of behavior you have seen. Make sure not to interpret or evaluate the behavior. Your child, the receiver of your observations, should know exactly to what you refer.
2. Feelings
   Then, share with the child the sentiments which your observations have triggered in you. Should you lack the words to describe your feelings, or those of your child, here is a list with a compilation of various feelings. These feelings are directly linked with a need.
3. Needs
   These comprise essential qualities which all human beings desire (or would like to have) in their lives. They include fundamental needs, such as sleep, food and drink, but also longing for love, security and self-realization.What other needs are there? How do I state them accurately? Consult the list of needs here! Now, formulate them in conjunction with the feeling and state the resulting wish or request.
4. Requests
   With this request you formulate an action or a behavior which results from the need. Here, you differentiate between requesting and desiring: requests are concrete actions, whereas wishes are more vague, relating to future conditions (e.g. “be kinder to older persons!“). Requests have a higher chance of success, as they define more concretely the desired behavior. Thus, requesting is more appropriate, particularly for educating small children.

Since it is difficult enough for adults to articulate their feelings and needs, it must not be assumed that children are able to express them more easily. Therefore, it is even more important that you, as parents, be sensitive to their utterances. By way of emphatic listening (clarifying and repeating of what has been said is a core concept of the model), the listeners can give the senders the opportunity to achieve clarity about their own thoughts, feelings and needs. (What is a sender? For basic information about communication please click here). This is the optimal condition for finding common, alternative behavior patterns which require no physical violence to satisfy needs.