What should I know about communicating with toddlers while they are throwing a tantrum?

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What should I know about communicating with toddlers while they are throwing a tantrum?

Every parent knows the feeling of helplessness concerning infant tantrums. Some may feel hurt or offended when toddlers get very angry without any apparent reason. When toddlers don’t follow established rules and limitations, parents can also become furious and sometimes feel tempted to use physical violence.

The “terrible twos” phase of toddlers are part of their autonomy-development. When babies learn to talk and walk for the first time, they begin to extend their actions. When turning from babies into toddlers, children discover their own needs and try to satisfy them with the newly learned skills. In so doing, the toddlers’ personal needs may conflict with the expectations set by their parents. These conflicts provoke an emotional reaction which can’t be actively regulated by the child. When children turn about three or four years old, they begin to learn how to control their emotions.

So, what can parents do to avoid their children’s tantrums? How can parents cope with situations which normally lead to tantrums? Here you will find some advice:

• Don’t take the tantrums personally! As mentioned before, toddlers (until the age of 4) are unable to control strong emotional reactions. Thus, tantrums are not a reaction against you as a parent. They are an expression of strong emotions which will disappear again.
• Don’t punish or even beat your child! Every kind of punishment or physical violence will impair the situation. Your child will become more disappointed and perhaps anxious. Those feelings will even increase the strong emotions and your toddler will scream louder, showing increased destructive behavior. Thus, parental punishment in consequence of temper tantrums is counterproductive. If you realize that you are also becoming emotionally affected by your child’s tantrum, maybe even tempted to beat your child, count to ten and breathe deeply. If this fails to work, scream briefly or stomp on the floor! This may release some of your anger, without harming your child.
• Express your own feelings! If you are emotionally affected, try to express your own emotions by sending I-Messages. In so doing, you can let off steam, without being unfair, and you don’t hurt your child.
• Remain consequent! Toddlers need limits. They must learn to put their own needs and desires on hold to get along in our world. Your toddler may perceive imposed limits as negative restrictions, but they also provide a secure framework and support for keeping your child grounded.
• Don’t interrupt a tantrum but stay with your toddler! It is not useful to talk and attempt to discuss something with children during a tantrum because they will not listen. Take care that your children do not hurt themselves and be there to hold them and talk quietly with them when the tantrum is over.
• Remember your own “terrible twos”! Ask your parents, brothers and sisters about your own behavior during your terrible twos. Maybe you can see similarities with your toddler. Ask your parents how they reacted. What did you feel? These reflections might also help you understand the feelings and behavior of your own child.
• Ask for help! If you feel overburdened and unable to cope with your toddler’s emotions, don’t hesitate to ask for help. Maybe your friends, grandparents or aunts and uncles can take care of your child for a certain time. You can also look for professional help from educational counselors or psychologists.